@ShittingtonUK: The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It's crazy.
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@LackOfShame: I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.
@InternetHippo: ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend? 8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it
@JenniferJokes: Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
@CelebrityChez: (Interview) Says here on your resume that you're unpredictable. (I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman) "That's a rumor".