The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My sex drive has a dui
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.