The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“You’d better run, egg!”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Sheer Arrogance”