@TheAwkwardTweet

The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.

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@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

@jellybnbonanza

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

@9GAG

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

@R_2_PEE_2

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

@rockymomax

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

@jonnysun

“911 whats ur emergency”
omg im DYING
“we’ll send someone right awa–”
i met THE funiest guy
“ok wait so ur not actualy–”
AND HE STABBED ME

@StevieKnip

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

@pilau

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*