Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You Might Also Like
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
put ‘er there pardner!
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I have a type: disappointing
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.