The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner