@JohnFugelsang

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

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@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

@blahdevivre

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

@bonesher

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

@jtrulez

Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum

@LadyBombs

I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.

@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

@bjaynash

The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.