Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:
1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum
I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.