The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
happy valentine’s day to me
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.