the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔