@rickolantern

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

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@Mikecanrant

When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.

@dafloydsta

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

@BoogTweets

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

@SCbchbum

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

@Buffalojilll

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

@ibid78

Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.