The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

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When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.


ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.


Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy


Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.


There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.


Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.


Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.