The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.