The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Meow
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
i guess his teacher was really pissed
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life