The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
A friend sent me this.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.