@BradBroaddus

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

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@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@UncleDuke1969

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@ElizaBayne

Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens

@LurkAtHomeMom

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

@fabulouscop

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

@KieranSoFar

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..