Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people