The baby has started yelling at us in what I can only assume is angry German

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I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.


I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!


Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”


finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice


Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night

Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day


Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.


Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.


They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.


[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”