Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.
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Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*
HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something