The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.