@_steamy_mac

“The baby’s been crying all day, we should microwave some fish.” – my neighbours

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@thatUPSdude

If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@UncleDuke1969

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

@Book_Krazy

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

@AimByWhiskey

Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.

@meladoodle

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

@bobvulfov

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

@Love_bug1016

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly