I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*