If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
“The baby’s been crying all day, we should microwave some fish.” – my neighbours
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.
You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import)
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly