Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
You are not alone 💚
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP