This is Sparta
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Pot warmers of the day.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.