printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.