The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.