The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.