@Yankeegiant72

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

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@kevinrowe1

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

@FatherWithTwins

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

@Book_Krazy

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

@Arr

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove

@celestinelea90

*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
*shaves head*

Ok Doc you can weigh me now

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

@Marlebean

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop