I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove
*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
Ok Doc you can weigh me now
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Our parenting style can best be described as: