The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?