The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’


I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.


Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.


Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.


Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee


Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.


The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.


I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution


Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues


Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.