@CeruleanGates

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

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@RandomAntics

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

@Sarcasticsapien

I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@PondBubbles

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

@whereami18

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

@karanbirtinna

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

@zgbetty

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

@HelloCullen

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

@TheFakeCNN

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.