The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

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Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair


There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.


earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on


My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒


Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?


“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*


BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have


ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone