Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
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Just gonna leave this here.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
this has become my life
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒
YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE I DO WAN’T TO MEET HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA
Him: how old are you?
Me: *holding up fingers* this many
Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
*he tosses me cop car keys*
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone