The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
#math
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.