The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
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Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
This week’s mood.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.