the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face
the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho
contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous
the bachelor: lol ok katie
contestant: it’s jennifer
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Me: *narrows eyes*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad