The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
What personal space?
My dog
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]