The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

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Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.


Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”


“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”


Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.


me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit


I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.


I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.


me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived


First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.