@RickAaron

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

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@realHamOnWry

I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.

@Phook75

If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

@cbdoubleu

Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.

-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

@ProdigyNelson

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

@MomOnFire

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

@murrman5

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

@FredTaming

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron