The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Happy Halloween 🎃
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Jurassic park gets weird
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying