The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
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my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.