@benicus_rex

The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

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@bourgeoisalien

probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

@somelightcrying

DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point

@T_Longstreth

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

@Megatronic13

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

@DannyZuker

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

@Quartzjixler

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

@70Ceeks

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”