The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no


girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never


I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.


Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.


At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.


*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*


Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?


Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it


One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.


Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.