@bourgeoisalien
probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices
@benicus_rex
The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”
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@bourgeoisalien
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
@somelightcrying
DUDE: first of all
ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point
@T_Longstreth
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
@Megatronic13
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
@DannyZuker
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
@Quartzjixler
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
@70Ceeks
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”