kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”
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girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant
her dad: hey bud you coming inside?
me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
*pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.