The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”