The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.