@AimeeHelene1

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

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@TheBoydP

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@Donna_McCoy

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

@Staggfilms

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@kiiimdaaa

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”