@DurtMcHurtt
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
@AimeeHelene1
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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@DurtMcHurtt
@TheBoydP
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
@FacesPics
…it’s on the house 😉
@LaLuchaNix
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
@Donna_McCoy
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
@Staggfilms
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
@kiiimdaaa
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
@UncleDuke1969
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
@Brianhopecomedy
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
@KRISTIN36467255
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!