The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

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[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec


Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule


cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap




me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot


The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”


My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”


How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?


Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.


Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I’m not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend


I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”