Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Step 1: Join a group chat full of strangers
Step 2: Announce that someone in the group has been private messaging you pics of themselves in very snug speedos
Step 3: Answer no questions
Step 4: Leave
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey…