@AimeeHelene1

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

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@OneStopComedy

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

@FlorkOfCows

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@Michael1979

Step 1: Join a group chat full of strangers
Step 2: Announce that someone in the group has been private messaging you pics of themselves in very snug speedos
Step 3: Answer no questions
Step 4: Leave

@vineyille

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

@PyrBliss

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

@PastorBate

Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

@shaunmoynihan

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey…