the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
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Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I mean…but I did
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*