the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

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Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.


Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please


Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.


I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white


My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!


*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*


(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.


when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.


me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money


There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math