@girlnarly

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

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@BlakWidowBarbee

Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.

@3dog101

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

@pittdave13

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@Henry_3k

*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*

@sannewman

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

@Lunatic_times

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

@duumb

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

@mydmac

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math