Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.