the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen