The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
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ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.