@oldfriend99

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

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@memes_byashley

2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

@ApostasyPanda

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

@itsmebeegee07

I don’t know who let me be an adult. My daughter and I had a slime stretching contest that resulted in slime getting everywhere including her hair and pants

@Dildotron

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

@GloriaFallon123

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

@stevemarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

@copymama

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

@Schmoodles

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@theSolemnBard

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.