the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
What is going on? 😅
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you