The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.