Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you