The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

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Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons


America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack


Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.


Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.


I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.


ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke


the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener


My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.