The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
the battle rages on
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?