The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You Might Also Like
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Terribly Tuesday.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.