*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower