@DothTheDoth

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

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@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@AGStr8upNinja

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

@ItsKoalaTeaTime

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

@ArfMeasures

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty

WAITER: Baby?

ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

@EllaZee5

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

@KalvinMacleod

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT