When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.