[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*
HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
WAITER: Are you ready?
ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare
ME: Not in a corner
ME: Can’t be refused
WAITER: Excellent, sir
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT