The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
gentlemen, hear me out
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.