The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“you changed” bro i was 15
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Human are so complicated
Happy Caturday!
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.