The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*