The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
A roof is a house hat.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.