@CM2BTTHD

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

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@mynameshank

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

@dril

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

@pilau

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

@dorsalstream

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

@KrazykurtKurt

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

@daplusk

Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells ‘who arted’ and i feel i failed as i should’ve thought of that joke

@iwearaonesie

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.