Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
You Might Also Like
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.