The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
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Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.