The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days