Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.