The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*